Gnatterings

Being in California is hard for me. I get tired of trying to be the one who is expected to do everything and have everything under control when others aren't held to the same standard. Knowing how sick my dad was just months ago and seeing how he has done little to change his way of life kills me. I fear it will kill him too within time. Finally realizing how enabling my mom is to his lifestyle is also challenging to see. There is nothing I can do and I have gotten to the point where I don't want to do anything - just go through the motions. Having my own family now is hard enough- being expected to work other's is rough, emotional. In this family it is every man for himself. The holidays with babies in the house exacerbate the matter. Seeing how MDM and I are supposed to have everything under control while others get a free pass is tough to swallow. Not enjoying it, ready to leave, and not looking forward to a return trip.

I'm going through a million emotions right now...

We just got back from seeing my dad in the hospital. Because of the set back he had a few days before we got there, he was on the ventilator the entire time we were there. He was awake so we could communicate, but he couldn't talk. It was so hard to see him like that- so small and vulnerable in the critical care unit bed.

I go back to work on Monday. I am dreading it like you wouldn't believe. In some ways I miss work, but I really love being home with the girls. I worry about my milk supply going down (even though I plan to pump while at work). Now that they are 5 months old, they are reaching so many milestones each day. I fear missing all the cool new things they learn how to do each day. I am turning into one of those insane parents who don't let their kids out of their sight...

In 2 days the girls turn 4 months old. I can't believe it. Seems like yesterday I was feeling them kick from inside, not outside. I am still at home with them until the first Monday in June. I thought by now I would be ready to go back to work and have some Natalie time. I can't imagine leaving them at home. Not just yet. I have a hard time leaving them at all, even to run an errand in the neighborhood. It isn't that I don't trust others with them, it's an attachment thing I have going on with myself. Maybe it has to do with the fact I still look 6 months pregnant and people ask all the time when I am due. Being alone when people ask gets a bit uncomfortable. Having the girls with me creates the immediate excuse. I have been feeling terrific - loving life, loving being a mom. Yesterday was my first day of "bluesy" feelings. And, yes, it was my appearance that got me down. I don't feel like I am necessarily a vain person, but I am a bit saddened about my appearance as of late. People all over say the pounds just melt off when you breastfeed. I am breastfeeding 2 and I have gained weight, not lost. I wish I looked chubby, plus-size, instead of pregnant. Then I could buy clothes that would fit and could retire my maternity clothes until the next time (yes, already thinking of having another baby). I walk 3-4 miles every morning with the girls. I am constantly wearing, carrying, or holding one of them. Funny enough, my calves are incredible looking these days. Nothing else- just that little part of my legs that are barely ever seen. I know I will lose the weight, I lost 25 pounds before I got pregnant. I just want to look somewhat "normal" now. I got so down about it yesterday I almost didn't leave the house for our daily outing. I felt that bad about how I looked. I have never felt like that - EVER. At the start of March, Theo and I decided we would stop eating crap in an effort to regain pre-pregnancy weight/appearance. Instead of losing, I gained almost 10 pounds. INSANE! I know I can't cut too many calories because I am still breastfeeding. At the start, I was worried about producing enough milk so I pumped in calories. Now I fear cutting out too many calories will reduce my supply and we will have to go back to partial formula feedings. Catch 22, right? So Theo suggested I buy some new clothes that fit. But, is buying plus-size clothing going to make me feel better? Again, catch 22. Arg. I love these girls and I don't resent them at all. I loved being pregnant and getting HUGE. I loved every minute of outgrowing size large maternity clothes. Now, not liking it all so much at all. I know, I know - I carried 2 babies. I carried over 12 pounds of baby. At the start, my body was preparing for 3 (we lost one around 6-7 weeks into the pregnancy). It's just hard to rationalize it all now that I still look pregnant.

Still Working...



I am still working. Plan to up to water breaking (well, within reason at least). I am trying to make it to January 11- we'll see if I return after the New Year at all.



I am still loving my school. I have my take-over substitute in the room working with me already to get him ready to take over. Apparently I am becoming known as the "Queen of Classroom Management and Organization" at this school as well. The administration wants him to be just like me since I have the kids so "well trained" (sounds horrible, doesn't it?)



We have our Quality Review next week and I have been chosen as one of the lab sites for the reviewers to observe. This review is conducted by an outside source and the school receives a grade. Last year was the first year and the school received an A (low one at that). Therefore, we are working to raise the "scale" and show progress (which would equal $15,000 to the school). Feels like a lot of pressure for someone new to the school, 32+ weeks pregnant with twins, and trying to train a new teacher. Yikes

Still taking trips though- Friday we went to the Central Park Zoo and took a class. Never been and LOVED it. Can't wait to take the babes...

I worked for 4 years at a school where I received little recognition. I am not insecure in what I do- I know I teach well. However, when you go above and beyond it's nice to get some positive reinforcement. Just to be acknowledged would have been nice, especially when I ran that third grade team for so long.

Now? I am at a school where every week a teacher is appreciated for what the administration calls "Quality Teaching". The principal and assistant principal post a blurb in the weekly newsletter to inform the rest of the staff of those making a difference. Well, kudos to me- I made this week's newsletter with this: INSPIRING DISPLAYS FOR READERLY AND WRITERLY LIFE. EXPECTATIONS ARE CLEAR AND STUDENT WORK IS VALUED.

Sums me up....nice to know I am valued at my new school. Makes waking up at 5:45am a whole hell of a lot easier.

What does a Mathematician look like? What qualities does a Mathematician have?