Gnatterings

In 2 days the girls turn 4 months old. I can't believe it. Seems like yesterday I was feeling them kick from inside, not outside. I am still at home with them until the first Monday in June. I thought by now I would be ready to go back to work and have some Natalie time. I can't imagine leaving them at home. Not just yet. I have a hard time leaving them at all, even to run an errand in the neighborhood. It isn't that I don't trust others with them, it's an attachment thing I have going on with myself. Maybe it has to do with the fact I still look 6 months pregnant and people ask all the time when I am due. Being alone when people ask gets a bit uncomfortable. Having the girls with me creates the immediate excuse. I have been feeling terrific - loving life, loving being a mom. Yesterday was my first day of "bluesy" feelings. And, yes, it was my appearance that got me down. I don't feel like I am necessarily a vain person, but I am a bit saddened about my appearance as of late. People all over say the pounds just melt off when you breastfeed. I am breastfeeding 2 and I have gained weight, not lost. I wish I looked chubby, plus-size, instead of pregnant. Then I could buy clothes that would fit and could retire my maternity clothes until the next time (yes, already thinking of having another baby). I walk 3-4 miles every morning with the girls. I am constantly wearing, carrying, or holding one of them. Funny enough, my calves are incredible looking these days. Nothing else- just that little part of my legs that are barely ever seen. I know I will lose the weight, I lost 25 pounds before I got pregnant. I just want to look somewhat "normal" now. I got so down about it yesterday I almost didn't leave the house for our daily outing. I felt that bad about how I looked. I have never felt like that - EVER. At the start of March, Theo and I decided we would stop eating crap in an effort to regain pre-pregnancy weight/appearance. Instead of losing, I gained almost 10 pounds. INSANE! I know I can't cut too many calories because I am still breastfeeding. At the start, I was worried about producing enough milk so I pumped in calories. Now I fear cutting out too many calories will reduce my supply and we will have to go back to partial formula feedings. Catch 22, right? So Theo suggested I buy some new clothes that fit. But, is buying plus-size clothing going to make me feel better? Again, catch 22. Arg. I love these girls and I don't resent them at all. I loved being pregnant and getting HUGE. I loved every minute of outgrowing size large maternity clothes. Now, not liking it all so much at all. I know, I know - I carried 2 babies. I carried over 12 pounds of baby. At the start, my body was preparing for 3 (we lost one around 6-7 weeks into the pregnancy). It's just hard to rationalize it all now that I still look pregnant.